I can't believe that I am leaving so soon.
I had reconciled with the fact that I was leaving for camp on August 20th. Great, I still had three-ish weeks. But now I have to move out of my apartment by August 13th though and I haven't done ANY packing. NONE. Can you say daunting? It took me an entire summer to move into that apartment, so I can't imagine how crazy my days are about to look. Not to mention that I have no idea where to start. At least I don't have to repaint yet. That much is a relief!
It's kind of sad to be moving out. This was the first room that was all mine, the first place I have lived away from my parents and off-campus. To be perfectly frank, I have a lot of awful memories in this apartment. But I also have so many incredible memories. I still remember the very first night I came to the apartment to move a few things in. I have done a lot of loving and growing in these walls and I'll definitely be getting emotional when it comes time to leave.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
I just did what?!
It's the end of July and this screen shot is enough to make any Baylor student's stomach drop. This is the page where all of your classes should be listed.
Oh that's right, I dropped all of them just a few minutes ago.
I was so nervous to do it! It has been so ingrained in me to compose the perfect schedule far in advance each semester that not having a schedule just makes me feel...unsafe.
In other news, I baked my first pie (from scratch) last night. It was delicious. Blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries with a homemade crust, complete with a lattice top. I am seriously going to miss having my own kitchen.
Sigh..that big old industrial kitchen at camp just won't be the same..
Sunday, July 24, 2011
In this moment... I am trusting God with my FOMO
FOMO: noun; the fear of missing out; can describe the fear of missing out on a social activity, conversation, or any kind of event or gathering
I am starting to get FOMO for this next year.
Nothing has made me want to change my mind about Walkabout, but I am starting to realize all the things that I will be missing out on. But of course, it is impossible to do anything or go anywhere without missing out on some experiences. Blame it on the laws of physics, but it's just impossible to be in two places at once, just so that you can make sure that you don't miss out on anything. This hasn't really bothered me in the past because the prospect of what I would be doing almost always outweighed the 'what if's that I knew I'd be leaving behind. But this year, I have a very clear picture of so many of the things that I will be missing. I will not get to spend another year with the seniors and grads in BRH. We will not be singing a song together at dessert theatre and I will not be a part of this year's #BRHatgraduation. I won't be around to continue to mend and build friendships that I have either just begun or have just rediscovered. Missing out on those relationships and experiences might just break my heart. I am leaving so many incredible people in Waco, some of whom I haven't even had the opportunity to let them know just how wonderful I think they are.
This might be one of the hardest things I'll be trusting God with this next year. I know that I will have a school to come back to and a family to look to for support, but I know that a lot will change when I'm gone.
Yes, going to Walkabout is something I know I need right now and for a while, I was too broken to see the things that I would miss about Waco. There are people, places, and situations in Waco that it is just healthy for me to distance myself from, but this summer has shown me just how loved I can feel by others in Waco and from all other walks of my life.
FOMO. FOMO. FOMO.
I really do have peace about leaving, but leaving behind so much love is never easy.
I am starting to get FOMO for this next year.
Nothing has made me want to change my mind about Walkabout, but I am starting to realize all the things that I will be missing out on. But of course, it is impossible to do anything or go anywhere without missing out on some experiences. Blame it on the laws of physics, but it's just impossible to be in two places at once, just so that you can make sure that you don't miss out on anything. This hasn't really bothered me in the past because the prospect of what I would be doing almost always outweighed the 'what if's that I knew I'd be leaving behind. But this year, I have a very clear picture of so many of the things that I will be missing. I will not get to spend another year with the seniors and grads in BRH. We will not be singing a song together at dessert theatre and I will not be a part of this year's #BRHatgraduation. I won't be around to continue to mend and build friendships that I have either just begun or have just rediscovered. Missing out on those relationships and experiences might just break my heart. I am leaving so many incredible people in Waco, some of whom I haven't even had the opportunity to let them know just how wonderful I think they are.
This might be one of the hardest things I'll be trusting God with this next year. I know that I will have a school to come back to and a family to look to for support, but I know that a lot will change when I'm gone.
Yes, going to Walkabout is something I know I need right now and for a while, I was too broken to see the things that I would miss about Waco. There are people, places, and situations in Waco that it is just healthy for me to distance myself from, but this summer has shown me just how loved I can feel by others in Waco and from all other walks of my life.
FOMO. FOMO. FOMO.
I really do have peace about leaving, but leaving behind so much love is never easy.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
In this moment, it is getting close.
I have one month and one day before Walkabout officially begins. For those of you who need a refresher on what Walkabout is and what I am doing, check out this guy: Walkabout
I have been overwhelmed by reasons and calls to Walkabout and as either of my parents and several of my friends know, when asked why I want to do Walkabout, the words just pour and pour out of my mouth. It felt like hundreds of little reasons all accumulated into this one undeniable calling to participate in Walkabout.
I am positive that different stories and reasons will show up in subsequent posts, but today, I really want to explore one facet of the Walkabout experience. An incredible friend of mine sent me a message yesterday that included several verses meant to encourage me. Thank you so much, sweet friend, because "mix tapes" of scripture are often the best therapy I can get.
Of all of the verses, one made me immediately think of Walkabout:
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness. First. Not simultaneously or secondary, but FIRST.
It doesn't take much reflection to realize that I have not been seeking God first and foremost in my life, especially in this past year. God has never been my number one focus. I have always sought to do things that are pleasing to others, not necessarily to God. Growing up, the things that were pleasing to others always seemed to correspond to what a 'good' person's life would look like. Do not lie, do your best in everything you do, have good morals, be kind to others, etc. Eventually, the desire to please others manifested itself in a constant struggle to live up to the expectations that other people had of me in the academic sense. I felt as though everyone expected me to excel in school and in extra-curricular activities, and because those things came easily to me, I went ahead and did just that. I though I was fulfilled by what I was doing, but in reality, while I was happy that I was successful at the things that I attempted, I was not being fulfilled.
I had no idea what to do once I began college. What other people expected me to do grew fuzzy, and I knew that I couldn't just rely on excelling in classes. I would have to choose what subject to study and what courses would be interesting to me and help me choose a career path that would fulfill me throughout my life. Right. Okay, so if I had been blindly following a path set out for me based solely on the expectations of others, you can imagine how lost I felt when I had to start making decisions on my own. At least I stuck to the humanities and didn't try to be all science-y. That would have really been a poor choice for me.
So I began trying to please different people, which usually meant boyfriends. Right. You can imagine how unfulfilling this can become, especially when you lose that significant other.
And because I didn't have a firm foundation in my faith and was only shallowly following the guidelines of Christianity, I did some things along the way that I am not proud of and that hurt me a great deal.
Thankfully though, somewhere along the way, all of the seeds that had been planted in my life came to fruition and I began to turn to God in my times of need. Not always and not with the knowledge, understanding, and faith that I needed, but I was building my foundation - a foundation that would came and rescue me from the darkest days that I had ever seen.
All of that to say, I have not spent the time that I need seeking God's kingdom. I long for direction in my life, but I can how expect to know where to go when I do not have the knowledge of God's will and the discernment that comes from faith to understand what steps will take me closer to God? To find that direction, I need to seek God first. And this is what I hope Walkabout will help me to do. I do not want to graduate college without the knowledge that comes from earnestly seeking God. I do not want to choose further direction for my life until I have formed the habits that will allow me to view my decisions through a spiritual lens.
This is my hope. This is my goal for the next year.
I can withstand any storm if I have God as my foundation. This is the rock that I want to build into my life. This is the most important thing I could be doing. This is more important than any degree, any preconceived timelines that I had made for my life, and any resume that I am trying to build. And I thank God for giving me the courage to pursue it.
I have been overwhelmed by reasons and calls to Walkabout and as either of my parents and several of my friends know, when asked why I want to do Walkabout, the words just pour and pour out of my mouth. It felt like hundreds of little reasons all accumulated into this one undeniable calling to participate in Walkabout.
I am positive that different stories and reasons will show up in subsequent posts, but today, I really want to explore one facet of the Walkabout experience. An incredible friend of mine sent me a message yesterday that included several verses meant to encourage me. Thank you so much, sweet friend, because "mix tapes" of scripture are often the best therapy I can get.
Of all of the verses, one made me immediately think of Walkabout:
Matthew 6:33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness. First. Not simultaneously or secondary, but FIRST.
It doesn't take much reflection to realize that I have not been seeking God first and foremost in my life, especially in this past year. God has never been my number one focus. I have always sought to do things that are pleasing to others, not necessarily to God. Growing up, the things that were pleasing to others always seemed to correspond to what a 'good' person's life would look like. Do not lie, do your best in everything you do, have good morals, be kind to others, etc. Eventually, the desire to please others manifested itself in a constant struggle to live up to the expectations that other people had of me in the academic sense. I felt as though everyone expected me to excel in school and in extra-curricular activities, and because those things came easily to me, I went ahead and did just that. I though I was fulfilled by what I was doing, but in reality, while I was happy that I was successful at the things that I attempted, I was not being fulfilled.
I had no idea what to do once I began college. What other people expected me to do grew fuzzy, and I knew that I couldn't just rely on excelling in classes. I would have to choose what subject to study and what courses would be interesting to me and help me choose a career path that would fulfill me throughout my life. Right. Okay, so if I had been blindly following a path set out for me based solely on the expectations of others, you can imagine how lost I felt when I had to start making decisions on my own. At least I stuck to the humanities and didn't try to be all science-y. That would have really been a poor choice for me.
So I began trying to please different people, which usually meant boyfriends. Right. You can imagine how unfulfilling this can become, especially when you lose that significant other.
And because I didn't have a firm foundation in my faith and was only shallowly following the guidelines of Christianity, I did some things along the way that I am not proud of and that hurt me a great deal.
Thankfully though, somewhere along the way, all of the seeds that had been planted in my life came to fruition and I began to turn to God in my times of need. Not always and not with the knowledge, understanding, and faith that I needed, but I was building my foundation - a foundation that would came and rescue me from the darkest days that I had ever seen.
All of that to say, I have not spent the time that I need seeking God's kingdom. I long for direction in my life, but I can how expect to know where to go when I do not have the knowledge of God's will and the discernment that comes from faith to understand what steps will take me closer to God? To find that direction, I need to seek God first. And this is what I hope Walkabout will help me to do. I do not want to graduate college without the knowledge that comes from earnestly seeking God. I do not want to choose further direction for my life until I have formed the habits that will allow me to view my decisions through a spiritual lens.
This is my hope. This is my goal for the next year.
I can withstand any storm if I have God as my foundation. This is the rock that I want to build into my life. This is the most important thing I could be doing. This is more important than any degree, any preconceived timelines that I had made for my life, and any resume that I am trying to build. And I thank God for giving me the courage to pursue it.
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